Okay, I'll say it. I'm arachnaphobic. It's a fairly recent development, and sometimes I've had to wear dirty jeans because I couldn't face five more minutes in my spider-infested laundry room. We've moved, so that's not a problem anymore.
But the schoolroom is another story. I've already ordered hits on more wolf spiders in my new basement in six months than in my old laundry room in nine years. When I'm really desperate, I have to off them myself. Here's how it's done:
Step one: I shoot it with wasp killer, it's provides great accuracy at a safe-feeling distance(there's no REAL safe distance for an arachnaphobe).
Step two: If the wasp killer didn't drown the target, wait for it to succumb to the paralyzing effects of the spray and slow down. Then, beat it to death with a hard shoe(Birkenstocks are nice) or that old classic, a rolled-up newspaper. You'll know it's dead when legs start flying off and it assumes the "dead spider" position.
Step three: Climb two flights of stairs to retrieve the vacuum from the kids' room. Attach ALL the extensions to the vacuum(safe-feeling distance again) and suck up the carcass. Listen for the loud thumping noise as it passes through the attachments into the vault portion of the vacuum.
Step four: Avoid returning to the scene of the crime until your breathing and heart rate return to normal. A stiff drink may be necessary, but try to wait till after lunch.
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